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February 22nd, 2007
02:42 pm - Clarity
I was a teenager, full of that teenager angst that makes you feel like you are immortal, you hate the world, and the world hates you. I felt trapped and couldn't see my future through the cloudy haze of my reality. No money for college, no career for life. I occasionally thought about death and how it would solve so many problems.
One night I was at my next door neighbor's house, waiting for Mr. S's daughter to come home. I secretly loved her but she thought of me only as a brother. But I'm not going to talk about her now.
Mr. S was a veteran of the Korean War and more than slightly deranged as an alcoholic. As usual, he was drunk, and he regaled me with tales of shooting people from mountaintops with high powered rifles. He took out his loaded .45 and told me what he could do with it. Then he pointed it at me and cocked the trigger. His bloodshot eyes stared at me and his alcohol laden breath wafted toward my nostrils. I saw a tremor in his hand and I knew he could do it. He asked me what I thought the .45 could do to me. I recounted what he had said earlier. He asked me if I wanted to live. In that moment I had clarity. All my self-indulgent angst melted away and I knew I wanted to live. I knew I loved the world and I knew there was love in the world for me. I told him I wanted to live.
I swallowed hard, reached out very slowly, and asked if I could see the pistol. He smiled, the tenseness vanished, and to my surprise, he handed me the .45. In that moment I became his friend, learning about the pain that could be inflicted on others.
I never liked him, especially when he was drunk. He used to beat his daughters and he put nails under our car tires all the time. But I still thank him today for the clarity he gave me that night.
I didn't run today...rest day. I've been listening to all kinds of music on the Creative Zen V that I won in a raffle over Christmas while running. "Tequila" is hands down the best running song ever. Classical music can create an almost ethereal experience while running.
Monday we went to see Clifford with both kids at the local playhouse. R actually sat and watched the entire thing (unlike The Nutcracker).
On Monday, T's teacher mentioned she liked Josh Groban. T said, "I like Josh Groban too, he's a really good singer." Later that night, as we drove to dinner after the show, T said, "if Miss Vicky likes Josh Groban then she'll like Andrea Bocelli too." So the next morning I told T to ask Miss Vicky if she knew of Andrea Bocelli, so he did. She hadn't heard of him so T asked me if I could bring the music in. Of course he was correct. She loved Andrea Bocelli.
Oh, and T made a multilingual pun the other day. I was making up the bath for R and T said you are huaing the bath for Ryan. Puzzled, I asked him to repeat himself. Then I got it. Hua means draw (as in drawing a picture) in Chinese. I was drawing the tub for Ryan.
R is talking up a storm. We don't always understand him but it's a ton of fun. He's a very affectionate child, randomly hugging any of us at unexpected times.
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