BD ([info]bd1) wrote,
@ 2008-01-02 12:29:00
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Being honest...
If I'm being honest with myself, and I suppose I should be honest here if I'm going to be honest anywhere, I've not been doing a good job of living life. The lack of posts are symptomatic of a deeper issue. My conditioning and overall health have waned and I've put on more pounds than I care to admit. I'm nowhere near my terrible state of health when I first began running but I am not taking care of myself.

The reasons for the current state of affairs are many. Fundamentally, it is because I have been untrue to myself. I'm still not sure exactly what that means but I'm determined to fix it this year. I'm not one for New Year's resolutions because I believe you should live life well every day not the first month of the year but given that I haven't been doing such a good job lately with the living well part I think I should start somewhere. Jan 1st is a good place to start.

I've been working my tail off. Every spare moment is accounted for in some way or another -- fun trips with the family, meetings, reviewing, Tae Kwon Do for T, etc. That's part of my problem. On the outside I live the life of a successful academic -- money, tenure, wine, good food, consulting with top executives, etc. On the inside, I feel suffocated by all the demands on my time. I don't have time to simply sit. Day dream. Read a good book. Write in my journal.

I came within a hair's breadth of walking out on J. You can't believe how hard that would have been to do -- I love her and the boys so very much -- with all my heart. So how could I have contemplated leaving them? I felt disrespected by J. I will never stay in a relationship in which I feel I am not treated with respect. She didn't take me seriously at first but after a bit she realized I was dead serious. We had a long talk (not an argument) and it turns out she's felt disrespected too. So we are working on that. We should probably talk again. When we have the time, ha ha.

I've not been running, partially due to prolonged sleep deprivation from R, our 2 1/2 year old. I think long term sleep deprivation depresses me and that's been part of my problem. It has certainly been very, very hard to get up early to stay on a regular running schedule. I ran half the mileage in 2007 that I did in 2005 and 2006. I'm trying to get back on track but sleep would certainly help.

Work sucks. That's a bad attitude for an assistant director of the PhD program. It's just that we have so many weasels in the department. I'm determined to focus on the good that I can do through my work. We'll see how that unfolds in the coming year.

So that's the bad stuff.

On the other hand, there's plenty of good to be found in my life. I'll focus on that and I'll try to post my 2007 holiday letter some time soon (it's late as always).

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[info]ruthling
2008-01-02 05:55 pm UTC (link)
I wondered what happened to you. I thought about trimming folks from my list because they were MIA, but then I realized it wasn't costing me any time to keep them on, and who knows what might come up. So, hi!

It sounds like things have been really hard for you. I hope you can find better balance in your life.

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[info]bd1
2008-01-02 07:54 pm UTC (link)
Balance is the key.

I think people often are the source of their own problems. My task is to regain control of my life and accentuate the positive. I hope I succeed.

Thanks for not trimming me!

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[info]aspiring2live
2008-01-02 06:39 pm UTC (link)
You know, I've read several posts in which you commented about your work and your schedule in a less than positive way. I'm going to be honest with you, and I'll try my best not to offend. (I'm known to be blunt.)

By not "being true" to yourself, I would agree with you, though my perspective of just how you are doing that is almost certainly different than yours. I always say, no man lays on his death bed and says, "I wish I'd spent less time with my family and more time working to make money." If your idea of success is to have all the trappings you speak of (money, tenure, wine, good food, consulting with top executives, etc.), then you are indeed succeeding, but I think that's where you are mistaken. In your heart you know success is something different than "climbing the ladder." You've already shown you are extremely adept at doing that, and now you find you aren't satisfied. (Again, I speculate, and I could be very wrong.)

I went to school to become a registered nurse and graduated with an Associate's Degree in 1999. Soon after beginning my job, I realized that peon nurses had The Man's foot on their necks just like every other career in which I've participated. As usual, I was faced with a decision I was familiar with: Stay in place and be unhappy about all the crap that rolls down hill, or start working my way up. But this time I found another option that allowed me to work weekend nights. What I did was magical. I remained a peon, but I minimized my contact with all the irritating people that made the job miserable.

Now, my situation was unique in that I found a job where I could work 60 hours in two weeks and get paid for 80. This gave me more time off with the same pay as before, because I work only weekends, when everyone else wants to be off. Still, I'm not getting rich here and that's my point. Blue Dial, it ain't about the money, and the degrees, and the titles, and the work, and all that other crud.

It is about doing what makes you happy. And, in my less than expert opinion, you would be happier spending a LOT more time with your family, and probably sacrificing a LOT of income to do so. My childhood was far from extravagant and perfect, but when I look back, many of my best memories were when we were the poorest. I have a wonderful memory of sitting at the dining room table with my family playing board games by the light of a gas lantern because our power had been cut off. It was about FAMILY, not about comfort, or status, or money... or "success."

Am I making sense at all? Man, with a 2 year degree I'm making about 60K a year and I can live on that. Well, almost! My wife works part-time and together we're making, maybe 80K? And, trust me, we were so stupid with debt earlier in our marriage that we live pretty poorly now to pay our debts. If we had been wise early on, we would be living quite well with what is a meager income to some, perhaps to you. And, to be truthful, if we ate out less and spent less money on things we don't really need, we could easily live quite well NOW on my income alone. True story.

I'm not telling you to quit your job, take a pay cut, live like a pauper, or anything so drastic. I'm saying decide where your family lies in your list of priorities, and if it's not as high as you think it should be, do whatever it takes to MAKE IT RIGHT.

I'm willing to bet that if you decrease your work priorities and increase your family/personal/individual priorities you will feel more true to yourself and be happier.

What do you think?

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[info]bd1
2008-01-02 07:59 pm UTC (link)
It's not about the money or the success or prestige. I actually spend a lot of time with the family. I'm not too wrapped up in my job, although it demands my time (as your job does yours).

The real problem is the endless series of tasks, both personal and professional, that fill up every spare moment of time. It can be making lunches, washing the dog, clipping nails, vaccuuming, washing toilets, fixing a door, helping build Legos, going over Tae Kwon Do forms. Or it can be attending faculty meetings, planning classes, teaching late, grading papers, reviewing papers, mentoring students, giving workshops, writing grant proposals, etc. All of it fills my time, leaving very little for me.

I must find a way to balance my life.

My job has recently become less fulfilling but that's because I have focused on dealing with the jerks of the school rather than on the good that I can do. I will focus more on the latter.

I'll think more about what you have written. I'm sure there's advice I can apply.

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[info]ariadnelives
2008-01-04 11:24 pm UTC (link)
Two things:

1. You're alive! It's good to hear news from you.

2. All of my friends with kids say that you lose yourself until the kids are about 8 and start spending the night at other friends' houses and being more entertaining and independent humans. Kids stress marriages to the max, and when you add careers on top of it, it's easy to get completely lost in what other people need from you. I'm not married, and I don't have kids and I live alone. I still wake up extra early to get that first hour to myself. Hang in there. The kids will grow up and it'll all even out eventually.

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[info]bd1
2008-10-09 08:39 pm UTC (link)
Hi, I'm alive but 9 months late with a reply.

Until 8? I've heard until 18. They do stress but they uplift and fulfill, at least when they are 3 and 6. There's a purity to their joy and spirit.

Thank you for your kind words. It does, and did, mean a lot to me.

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[info]morganaus
2008-01-02 08:02 pm UTC (link)
I'm glad to read you again and I hope things are on an upswing for you. I'm also glad you and J are working things out, as I wish the best for you and your family.

Be well and I look forward to the next update. xo

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[info]bd1
2008-10-09 07:42 pm UTC (link)
Well, only took about what, 9 months to update?

Lame.

Things are on an upswing. Working on it...

Hope all is wonderful in your life as well. I regard you as a friend, even if I suck at staying in touch!

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[info]morganaus
2008-10-09 09:21 pm UTC (link)
It's alright, I'm not the best at keeping in touch, either. I regard you as a friend, too, and was pleased to read a new entry. Onward and upward, excelsior!

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[info]divinerose
2008-01-02 10:56 pm UTC (link)
In regards to the never ending tasks, what I had to do in grad school was schedule some me time. Even at the expense of other tasks, I NEED some down time or I am not a settled and happy girl. The dishes can wait, the floor can not be vacuumed, leave the toys on the floor, and take 15 min, 30 min, an hour and let yourself do something for you. Yes, you might feel guilty. But as important as the other tasks are in your life, your happiness is just as much if not more important. Trust me.

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[info]bd1
2008-10-09 07:43 pm UTC (link)
Good advice. I should listen to you. *grin*

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[info]vagynafondue
2008-01-02 11:22 pm UTC (link)
I was wondering if you'd ever come back here to LJ. I hope you and J. work things out and that you find time for yourself. <3

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[info]bd1
2008-10-09 07:43 pm UTC (link)
I'm back..sort of, I guess. Only 9 months between posts!

I will try to stop by and catch up.

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[info]lucid_livie
2008-01-03 04:08 am UTC (link)
I sure have missed reading you and hearing about the boys. I hope that you find the balance you need in your life this year!

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[info]bd1
2008-10-09 07:44 pm UTC (link)
I have missed reading you too. And I have missed writing about the boys...so many memories, days, moments...flying by.

I hope all is balanced in your life!

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[info]baronmind
2008-01-03 07:03 pm UTC (link)
Good to see you back, sir. I hope this month is a turning point for you, and that you start to feel happier about your life and yourself.

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[info]bd1
2008-10-09 07:45 pm UTC (link)
It WAS a turning point. A good one.

But time is an issue with which I still grapple.

I'm running my life with negative degrees of freedom (a good statistics metaphor).

I appreciate your kind words. You are a true friend.

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[info]razz
2008-01-04 12:26 am UTC (link)
May 2008 bring you a Mary Poppins.

Seriously--maybe you should consider a good nanny a few hours a week--one to do kid stuff, cleaning stuff, taxi service, etc.

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[info]bd1
2008-10-09 07:47 pm UTC (link)
lol

J and I always say we need a spouse. We have someone who cleans the house but it is amazing how the moments slip away. We are pretty efficient but...

Ah well, I will keep the wheels moving forward.

Hope this missive finds you well.

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[info]fitfool
2008-01-10 04:48 am UTC (link)
Glad I saw your post. I've been in and out of LJ myself so I'm glad you posted during one of the periods when I was trying to keep up with journals. Anyhow...I'm glad you're looking into finding balance in your life. I remember your 6-minute mile and being impressed that you could set goals and reach them. I hope your search for balance and peace is rewarded.

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[info]bd1
2008-10-09 07:49 pm UTC (link)
I'm glad you saw it too. I'm going to set other running goals and get back to it. Running is more than a metaphor for life.

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[info]fitfool
2008-10-10 11:55 am UTC (link)
How has your year been going? I came up with my own 101 things to do in 1001 days list partly to map out some areas where I'd like to improve too. And now when I do things just for me, I can claim, "Hey...it's on my list. I have to!" Then again, as I scan down the other comments, maybe the last thing you'd want is another list of things you want to do.

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[info]bd1
2008-10-13 03:30 am UTC (link)
I like this idea...101 things to do in 1001 days.

1. Sleep.

Ha ha.

I have some ideas but first I have to get the consistency of my running up and my speeds down.

I have truly missed chatting with you.

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[info]fitfool
2008-10-14 02:05 am UTC (link)
Sleep is underrated. I napped a good bit of Sunday and felt a little bad about missing out on such a beautiful day. But I feel much better today so I guess that evens out.

I've missed seeing your posts too but am happy to see you're posting again.

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